WASHINGTON — The Department of Education announced Thursday a new federal initiative requiring all K-12 students to complete a mandatory “Digital Wellness Sabbatical” consisting of 40 consecutive days without access to smartphones, tablets, or any internet-connected devices.
The program, which will begin rolling out in select pilot districts this fall, mandates that participating students surrender all personal electronic devices to designated federal collection centers at the start of each school year’s “Great Unplugging” period. Students will receive a government-issued flip phone capable only of dialing 911 and their parents’ landline numbers.
“Research shows our young people are suffering from an epidemic of screen addiction,” said Education Secretary Amanda Torres at a press conference held via Zoom. “This bold intervention will reset their dopamine receptors and restore their ability to experience boredom in a healthy, pre-2007 manner.”
The devices will be stored in climate-controlled federal facilities during the 40-day period. Parents attempting to return phones to their children early will face fines starting at $500, with repeat violations triggering mandatory enrollment in a weekend “Parental Boundaries Workshop.”
To fill the void left by absent devices, the Department has partnered with the National Park Service to distribute 45 million copies of “Field Guide to Identifying Local Trees” and “Clouds: A Visual Encyclopedia” to participating students.
“We expect some initial resistance,” Torres acknowledged. “But after the first week of withdrawal symptoms subside, students will rediscover forgotten joys like making eye contact, reading physical books, and wondering what their friends are doing without being able to check instantly.”
The program includes exceptions for students who can document a medical need for their devices, though the application process requires notarized statements from both a physician and a licensed therapist, submitted in triplicate.
School districts will receive $200 per student in federal funding to offset the cost of providing additional outdoor recess time and emergency telegram services.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Students must surrender all personal devices for 40 consecutive days each school year to designated federal collection centers
- Parents who return phones early face $500 fines and mandatory weekend workshops on establishing boundaries
- Government will distribute 45 million copies of tree and cloud identification guides to fill the “digital void”
Aporia News – June 05, 2026
