Students will maintain government-issued "Screen Time Journals" reviewed quarterly by certified Digital Wellness Counselors...
Monthly wellness rating will dock citizens points for sedentary behavior and unapproved food purchases...
New database will track all home temperatures nationwide; neighbors encouraged to report violations for cash rewards....
New curriculum emphasizes importance of thanking chatbots and not hurting algorithms' feelings...
New devices will cap winter heating at 68°F and ensure summer cooling stays above 78°F, with monthly monitoring fees and penalties for tampering....
Department of Education says diploma requirements must now include documented proof of sufficient planetary anxiety...
New federal program addresses "psychological harm" of aggressive lane changes and insufficient turn signal empathy....
New federal program will block all web traffic until citizens complete guided mindfulness session praising government agencies...
HHS says "Digital Detox Certification" will restore civic discourse, require annual psychiatric evaluation for internet access...
New federal program will document instances of superior homemade lunches creating "unequal dining environments" in school cafeterias....