New DOT regulation mandates government approval process for vehicles over 3,500 pounds, with 45-day waiting period...
Vehicles will force "emotional cooldown periods" with meditation audio before allowing ignition if cameras detect stress or anger....
New "emotional literacy" mandate aims to ensure citizens process their feelings through proper government channels before tweeting...
New "MyPlate Compliance Initiative" requires citizens to submit photographs of planned meals to federal portal 72 hours before eating...
New program requires citizens to log exercise, photograph meals, and prove adequate sleep through mandatory tracking devices....
New federal program will track children's lunch choices and penalize families with high "cafeteria carbon footprints"...
New federal program will teach students proper emoji etiquette and how to emotionally recover from being left on read....
New federal program requires drivers exceeding 12,000 miles annually to purchase carbon offset credits or face penalties...
Department of Education says homemade organic lunches create 'unacceptable nutrition gap' between students....
DOE's R-TRACK program will monitor residential heating and cooling habits nationwide, assign "Thermal Responsibility Scores" to households....