New HHS mandate establishes national registry tracking Americans' produce intake, imposes fines for insufficient leafy green consumption...
New "Journey Declaration" system will optimize traffic, reduce emissions, and ensure road equity, officials say....
New federal program requires children to prove emotional compliance on smartphone before learning can begin...
New DOT rule requires vehicles to automatically slow down 35% when GPS detects high-income zip codes, tracking data sent to federal database....
New database will track refrigerators, air fryers, and "emerging thermal food preparation devices" to close "critical gap" in public health oversight....
New DOT program requires 12-hour training course and exam before citizens can legally use crosswalks...
New federal AI system will flag lesson plans mentioning anything that happened during 401-year "danger zone"...
New federal program will teach Americans to "acknowledge their vehicular privilege" and apologize to public transportation....
Department of Education officials will store surrendered devices in climate-controlled facilities while distributing field guides to trees and clouds...
New federal mandate says road rage stems from 'unresolved trauma' rather than bad drivers...