The Department of Education announced today that all American students will be required to complete a new standardized test measuring their “emotional correctness” before receiving their high school diplomas, beginning with the class of 2028.
The Comprehensive Affective Response Evaluation, or CARE Test, will assess students’ ability to demonstrate appropriate feelings about sensitive topics ranging from climate change to social justice issues. Students must score at least 75% to graduate.
“We’ve spent decades measuring what students know,” explained Deputy Education Secretary Jordan Whitmore at a press conference. “Now it’s time to measure what they feel, and more importantly, whether those feelings align with community standards of emotional wellness.”
The three-hour examination includes sections where students must identify which emotions are acceptable to experience when presented with various scenarios. Sample questions include rating their anxiety level about rising sea temperatures, their sense of collective guilt regarding historical events, and their enthusiasm for mandatory recycling programs.
One particularly controversial section requires students to watch a series of videos and demonstrate the “correct” facial expressions, which will be monitored by AI-powered cameras. Smiling during a segment about income inequality, for instance, would result in automatic point deductions.
Teachers unions have largely embraced the initiative. “Finally, we have objective metrics for measuring subjective experiences,” said National Education Association representative Patricia Torres. “Students can no longer hide behind ‘critical thinking’ or ‘forming their own opinions.'”
The test will be administered in climate-controlled facilities painted in calming neutral tones. Students who fail may retake the exam after completing a mandatory six-week “emotional recalibration” summer program.
Parents wishing to opt their children out of the CARE Test must submit a formal request explaining why their family believes feelings should remain unmeasured, which will be reviewed by a federal panel and added to the student’s permanent record.
The program is expected to cost taxpayers $2.3 billion annually.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- High schoolers must pass new “emotional correctness” exam to graduate starting in 2028
- Test includes AI monitoring of facial expressions while watching videos about social issues
- Students who fail must attend six-week “emotional recalibration” program before retesting
Aporia News – July 11, 2026
