WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday a sweeping new initiative requiring all Americans over the age of 12 to complete mandatory “digital detox certification” before being allowed to access social media platforms, streaming services, or any website with a comment section.
The program, which HHS Secretary claims will “restore our collective mental health and civic discourse,” mandates that users complete a 40-hour online course covering topics such as “Recognizing When You’re Being Baited by Strangers,” “The Healing Power of Not Responding,” and “Advanced Techniques for Closing Browser Tabs.”
Upon completion, participants will receive a Federal Digital Wellness Certificate that must be renewed annually through a refresher course and psychiatric evaluation. The certificate will be linked to users’ social security numbers and verified through facial recognition software before granting access to platforms like X, Facebook, TikTok, and Netflix.
“We’ve seen what happens when Americans have unrestricted access to the internet,” said HHS spokesperson Jennifer Talbridge at a press conference. “They argue with people they’ve never met about things that don’t affect them. They doom-scroll at 2 AM. They watch entire seasons of television in one sitting. This is a public health crisis.”
The certification course, developed in partnership with a consortium of wellness influencers and former Big Tech executives, will be administered through a new government portal that critics note appears to be a rebranded version of those employee harassment training modules everyone clicks through without reading.
Early beta testers report the course takes approximately 47 hours to complete if you actually watch the videos, or 12 minutes if you just click “next” repeatedly until the quiz appears, then Google the answers.
Implementation is scheduled to begin January 1, 2027, with enforcement handled by a newly created Digital Wellness Enforcement Division within Homeland Security. Violators caught accessing social media without valid certification face fines up to $500 or mandatory enrollment in a weekend digital wellness retreat.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- New federal program requires all Americans over 12 to complete 40-hour online course before accessing social media, streaming services, or websites with comment sections
- Course covers “Recognizing When You’re Being Baited by Strangers” and “The Healing Power of Not Responding,” must be renewed annually with psychiatric evaluation
- Enforcement begins 2027 through new Digital Wellness Division, violators face $500 fines or mandatory weekend wellness retreats
Aporia News – August 07, 2026
