WASHINGTON — In a Tuesday press conference, Department of Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm unveiled the administration’s latest energy conservation initiative: smart refrigerator monitoring technology that will track and discourage “unnecessary” refrigerator door openings across American households.

The program, officially titled the “Thermal Efficiency and Appliance Management Protocol” (TEAM), will require all households to install upgraded smart meters capable of detecting refrigerator door opening frequency, duration, and ambient temperature loss by January 2027.

“Americans open their refrigerators an average of 33 times per day, often just to stare inside without removing anything,” Granholm explained. “This wasteful behavior is contributing to our climate crisis. The science is settled.”

Under the new regulations, households exceeding 40 refrigerator openings per day will receive automated text warnings. Repeat offenders may face escalating monthly surcharges on their energy bills, starting at $15 for the first violation and increasing to $200 for chronic door-opening behavior.

The smart meters will also detect “prolonged gazing incidents” — refrigerator door openings lasting longer than 12 seconds where no item is removed. These events will be flagged as “high-priority energy waste” and may trigger home energy audits.

“We’re not telling people they can’t use their refrigerators,” Granholm clarified. “We’re simply encouraging mindful appliance interaction. Know what you want before you open the door. It’s what your mother told you, and now it’s federal policy.”

The DOE estimates the program will save 0.003% of national energy consumption annually, which officials say could power up to seven homes in Delaware for nearly four days.

Installation of the monitoring equipment will be free for households, though the $2.3 billion program cost will be recovered through a new $47 annual “Smart Grid Readiness Fee” added to all utility bills.

Civil liberties groups have raised concerns about government surveillance of household appliance usage, but the DOE insists the data will be “completely secure and only shared with authorized federal agencies, approved researchers, and select private partners.”

This article is satire. None of these events are real.