WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday that beginning January 1, 2027, all Americans will be required to submit monthly “wellness reports” documenting their emotional state, dietary choices, and screen time to a new federal database designed to “optimize national mental health outcomes.”
The National Wellness Accountability Initiative, tucked into the 2,847-page Comprehensive Health Futures Act, mandates that citizens log into a government portal each month to complete a 47-question survey covering topics ranging from “frequency of negative thoughts about government policies” to “daily consumption of processed foods containing more than 12 grams of sugar.”
HHS Secretary Dr. Patricia Mendenhall described the program as a “common-sense approach to preventative care” during a press conference at which reporters were offered complimentary kombucha and stress balls.
“We’ve spent decades treating health problems after they occur,” Mendenhall said. “Why not catch unhealthy patterns before they start? If someone is eating fast food four times a week and scrolling social media for six hours a day, our AI-powered intervention system can flag them for a wellness check-in call from a certified federal health coach.”
Citizens who fail to submit their monthly reports will face escalating penalties, beginning with a $50 fine and culminating in the suspension of certain federal benefits. The program also includes a “Wellness Score” that employers and insurance companies can access with proper authorization.
Early beta testers expressed concerns about privacy, but HHS officials insist the data is “completely secure” and will only be shared with approved government agencies, academic researchers, and select private-sector partners working on “public health innovation.”
The department is currently hiring 8,500 new wellness coordinators to staff a 24/7 hotline for Americans struggling to achieve their government-recommended emotional targets.
“Think of it as a Fitbit for your feelings,” Mendenhall added, “except mandatory, and we’re the ones watching.”
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- HHS requires all Americans to submit 47-question monthly surveys documenting emotional state, diet, and technology use starting January 2027
- Citizens who skip reports face fines up to $50 and potential loss of federal benefits; data accessible to employers and insurers
- Department hiring 8,500 “wellness coordinators” to staff hotline for Americans failing to meet government emotional targets
Aporia News – August 04, 2026
