WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday a sweeping new initiative requiring all Americans over the age of 12 to complete a mandatory 40-hour online training course on “Microaggression Awareness and Prevention” before being eligible to renew their driver’s licenses, passports, or social security benefits.
The program, titled “Words Matter: A Federal Commitment to Conversational Safety,” will be administered through a new federal portal launching in early 2027. Citizens will be required to watch instructional videos, pass multiple-choice exams, and participate in moderated discussion forums demonstrating their understanding of potentially harmful language patterns.
“We’ve made tremendous progress in workplace sensitivity training, but we realized there’s a massive gap,” explained newly appointed HHS Administrator Dr. PatriciaWendell-Greene at a press conference. “People still say things like ‘you guys’ when ordering coffee, or use the phrase ‘no problem’ instead of ‘my pleasure.’ These seemingly minor linguistic choices create cumulative harm that our federal systems can no longer ignore.”
The curriculum includes modules on problematic idioms (such as “rule of thumb” and “peanut gallery”), acceptable alternatives to gendered greetings, and a comprehensive section on “conversational consent” that instructs Americans to ask permission before making eye contact with strangers in public spaces.
Failure to complete the training within 90 days of license expiration will result in a $500 administrative fee and mandatory enrollment in an in-person “remedial empathy workshop.” Repeat offenders may face suspension of federal benefits for up to six months.
The program has already drawn criticism from Republican lawmakers, who called it “Orwellian overreach.” Senator James Crawford of Texas announced plans to introduce legislation blocking the mandate, saying the requirement represents “government-mandated thought control disguised as compassion.”
HHS estimates the program will cost $8.7 billion annually but projects it will save the nation $12 billion in “prevented emotional labor costs” by 2030. The department has already hired 15,000 new federal employees to administer and grade the exams.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- All Americans over 12 must complete mandatory 40-hour online microaggression training before renewing licenses, passports, or receiving federal benefits
- Curriculum covers problematic phrases like “you guys” and “no problem,” plus requires asking permission before making eye contact with strangers
- Program will cost $8.7 billion annually and has already resulted in hiring 15,000 new federal administrators
Aporia News – November 02, 2026
