The Department of Health and Human Services announced today a sweeping new initiative requiring all Americans to submit weekly “wellness check-ins” via a mandatory smartphone app, citing concerns that too many citizens are experiencing unapproved emotions.
The MoodTrack USA program, set to launch in March 2027, will require users to log their emotional state three times daily using a government-approved scale ranging from “Appropriately Concerned” to “Productively Optimistic.” Citizens who register emotions outside the acceptable range for more than 72 consecutive hours will receive automated wellness interventions, including mandatory viewing of educational content and referrals to certified Emotional Compliance Counselors.
“We’ve noticed a troubling trend of Americans experiencing stress, anxiety, and pessimism without proper governmental oversight,” explained newly appointed HHS Undersecretary for Emotional Wellness Dr. Patricia Flemming at a press conference. “This program ensures that no citizen suffers alone with unmonitored feelings.”
The app will use phone cameras to verify users are actually present during check-ins, employing facial recognition technology to detect “emotional authenticity.” Early beta testers reported that the system flagged one participant for “suspicious happiness levels” after she spent a weekend at her daughter’s wedding.
Privacy advocates raised concerns about the data collection, but officials assured the public that emotional logs will only be shared with the Department of Homeland Security, the IRS, health insurance providers, and a yet-to-be-determined number of approved third-party wellness partners.
Citizens who fail to complete their daily check-ins will face escalating penalties, starting with a $50 fine and potentially progressing to mandatory in-person emotional wellness audits. The program exempts members of Congress, federal judges, and individuals with a verified prescription for anxiety medication dated before January 2025.
The app is expected to cost taxpayers $8.7 billion in its first year, with additional costs for the construction of 47 new Regional Emotional Compliance Centers.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- New federal program requires Americans to log emotions three times daily via mandatory smartphone app starting March 2027
- Citizens experiencing “unapproved” emotions for more than 72 hours will receive automated government wellness interventions
- Facial recognition technology will verify “emotional authenticity” during check-ins, with fines for non-compliance starting at $50
Aporia News – November 10, 2026
