WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that it will begin requiring all Americans to submit weekly “Mental Wellness Check-In Forms” starting January 1st, 2027, as part of the newly passed Comprehensive National Happiness Initiative.
The digital forms, accessible through a mandatory smartphone app called “MindTrack USA,” will ask citizens to rate their current emotional state, report any “problematic thoughts,” and document their weekly consumption of fruits, vegetables, and government-approved news sources.
“We’ve learned that freedom works best when people are demonstrably happy,” explained HHS Secretary Dr. Patricia Wenworth at a press conference. “This isn’t surveillance — it’s care. If someone consistently reports feeling frustrated with their government, we want to connect them with resources that can help correct those misperceptions.”
Citizens who fail to submit their weekly check-ins will receive automated text reminders, followed by phone calls from “Wellness Ambassadors,” and eventually a visit from a local Community Mental Health Liaison. The program includes a color-coded rating system: Green (Thriving), Yellow (Needs Support), and Red (Requires Intervention).
The initiative also introduces “Mandatory Joy Breaks” for all workplaces with more than five employees. Twice daily, a government-produced video featuring calming nature scenes and affirmations about civic responsibility will play on all screens for seven minutes. Employees must remain seated and attentive.
“Some have called this Orwellian, which tells us they haven’t been watching enough educational content,” Wenworth noted. “George Orwell was actually warning about unregulated capitalism, not benevolent government mental health programs. We’re offering a free re-education seminar on this topic next month.”
Early pilot programs in Portland and Austin showed promising results, with 96% of participants reporting improved mood — though HHS acknowledged that the 4% who didn’t submit positive responses were still undergoing “enhanced support protocols” and unavailable for comment.
The MindTrack USA app will be mandatory for all citizens aged 13 and up. Parents will be required to submit weekly reports on behalf of younger children.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Mandatory smartphone app requires all Americans to report emotional state and news consumption habits weekly
- Citizens who miss check-ins will receive escalating contacts from “Wellness Ambassadors” and Community Mental Health Liaisons
- Workplaces must implement twice-daily “Mandatory Joy Breaks” featuring government-produced affirmation videos
Aporia News – October 09, 2026
