WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday a sweeping new initiative requiring all Americans to submit weekly “Emotional Impact Statements” detailing how their daily activities affect the mental health of others in their community.
The program, titled the National Emotional Accountability Registry (NEAR), will mandate that citizens over age 16 file digital reports every Sunday evening describing potentially triggering behaviors from the previous week, including but not limited to: laughing too loudly in public spaces, displaying excessive happiness during difficult news cycles, and failing to validate the feelings of service workers.
“For too long, Americans have operated under the dangerous assumption that their personal emotional state is their own business,” said HHS Secretary Dr. Patricia Mendenhall at a press conference. “This registry will finally create a culture of emotional responsibility where citizens think twice before engaging in behaviors that might make others feel excluded or uncomfortable.”
The forms, which average 47 questions, include queries such as “Did you make eye contact with a stranger who may not have been ready for that level of connection?” and “How many times did you use the phrase ‘just kidding’ without first ensuring all parties understood the context and subtext of your original statement?”
Failure to file will result in escalating penalties, beginning with a $150 fine and culminating in mandatory enrollment in a weekend “Empathy Intensive” program. Repeat offenders may be required to wear a small badge indicating their non-compliant status.
The registry will be overseen by 3,200 newly hired “Emotional Safety Coordinators” who will review submissions and flag patterns of “reckless emotional conduct.” Citizens can also file complaints about neighbors they suspect of submitting incomplete or dishonest statements.
The NEAR system goes live June 15, with the first submissions due June 22. The HHS has partnered with major tech companies to develop a mobile app that will send push notifications reminding users when they may have engaged in emotionally inconsiderate behavior.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- HHS announces National Emotional Accountability Registry requiring weekly reports on behaviors that might affect others’ mental health
- 47-question forms ask citizens if they made uncomfortable eye contact or used phrases like “just kidding” without proper context
- Non-compliance brings fines up to $150 and mandatory “Empathy Intensive” weekend programs
Aporia News – May 25, 2026
