WASHINGTON — The Department of Education announced Friday a new federal initiative requiring all high school students to complete a minimum of 200 hours of “Digital Wellness Training” before graduation, including mandatory courses on proper selfie angles, ethical Instagram story curation, and sustainable TikTok consumption practices.
The program, titled “Screen Time, Screen Right,” will be phased in over the next two academic years and replaces traditional health education units on nutrition and exercise, which department officials say have become “less relevant in our modern digital-first society.”
“Today’s young people spend an average of nine hours per day on their devices,” said Education Secretary Maria Thornton at a press conference. “It’s time we acknowledged that scrolling is the new jogging, and we need to teach our children how to do it responsibly and with proper ergonomic form.”
The curriculum includes units on “Ring Light Safety,” “Managing Parasocial Relationships with Influencers,” and a controversial module called “Understanding When Your Meme Has Gone Too Far.” Students will be required to maintain a federally monitored social media portfolio demonstrating competency in engagement metrics, caption creativity, and hashtag optimization.
Critics have raised concerns about the program’s $4.7 billion price tag, which includes funding for certified Digital Wellness Counselors in every school and government-issued ring lights for low-income students. Republican lawmakers argue the money would be better spent on traditional subjects like mathematics or literacy.
“Our kids can’t read at grade level, but at least they’ll know how to properly frame a thirst trap,” said Rep. Tom Bradley (R-TX) in a floor speech opposing the measure.
The Department of Education dismissed these concerns, noting that several pilot schools have already seen dramatic improvements in student engagement, with some classes achieving 100% attendance when lessons are delivered via Instagram Live.
Students who fail to complete the Digital Wellness requirements will not be permitted to graduate and will be required to attend summer remedial courses on “Authentic Personal Branding.”
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Department of Education launching mandatory “Digital Wellness Training” for all high school students nationwide
- Program costs $4.7 billion and includes government-issued ring lights for low-income students
- Traditional health and PE classes being replaced with courses on selfie angles and influencer relationship management
Aporia News – September 25, 2026
