The Department of Transportation announced Wednesday a sweeping new initiative requiring all American drivers to complete a mandatory 40-hour “Emotional Intelligence Behind the Wheel” course before renewing their licenses, citing studies that show road rage contributes to climate anxiety.
Transportation Secretary Miguel Cardona unveiled the program at a press conference in Washington, explaining that traditional driver education has failed to address the “psychological violence” that occurs daily on America’s highways. “We can no longer ignore the mental health crisis happening at 65 miles per hour,” Cardona said, standing before a backdrop reading “Healing Our Highways.”
The curriculum, developed in partnership with the American Psychological Association and several unnamed wellness influencers, will include modules on “Processing Your Feelings About Merging,” “The Patriarchy of Passing Lanes,” and “Mindful Horn Usage.” Drivers will also be required to journal about their “relationship with speed limits” and participate in group therapy sessions about turn signal trauma.
A Department spokesperson confirmed that the course will cost $847 per person and must be completed at federally certified facilities, though low-income Americans may qualify for a sliding scale fee of $799. The program is expected to generate approximately $18.4 billion in revenue annually, which will be directed toward a new Office of Roadway Reconciliation.
Critics have called the mandate “government overreach,” but supporters argue it’s a necessary step toward safer roads. “Yesterday, someone cut me off and I felt invalidated,” said Portland resident Marcus Chen, who attended a pilot program. “Now I understand that his aggressive lane change was really a cry for help.”
The policy takes effect January 1, 2027. Drivers who fail to complete the course will have their licenses suspended and be required to display a “Emotionally Unfit Driver” bumper sticker until they comply. A Department hotline has been established for citizens to report drivers exhibiting “signs of unprocessed automotive aggression.”
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Transportation Department launching mandatory emotional intelligence training for all drivers starting January 2027
- $847 course includes modules on “Processing Your Feelings About Merging” and “Mindful Horn Usage”
- Citizens encouraged to report neighbors showing “signs of unprocessed automotive aggression”
Aporia News – September 24, 2026
