The Department of Education announced Friday a sweeping new initiative requiring all public school students to complete a minimum of 40 hours of “Digital Citizenship Training” before being allowed to graduate, including mandatory courses on proper emoji usage in professional settings and therapeutic techniques for recovering from mean tweets.
Education Secretary Miguel Cardona unveiled the program at a press conference, explaining that “in today’s connected world, our children face unprecedented dangers online, from cyberbullying to the psychological trauma of receiving fewer than 100 likes on their birthday posts.”
The curriculum, developed in partnership with leading social media companies and mental health organizations, will include units on “Interpreting Subtext in Group Chat Silences,” “When to Use the Crying-Laughing Emoji vs. the Skull Emoji,” and “Processing the Emotional Impact of Being Left on Read.”
High school seniors will be required to pass a comprehensive final exam testing their ability to craft the perfect apology tweet, navigate a heated Discord argument without saying anything cancellable, and demonstrate proper self-care after discovering their ex has moved on via Instagram stories.
The program also mandates that students maintain a minimum “Digital Wellness Score,” calculated through a new federal app that monitors their screen time, social media engagement levels, and frequency of posting vague, attention-seeking status updates.
“We’ve seen too many young people graduate completely unprepared for the realities of online discourse,” Cardona said. “Just last month, a college freshman had a complete breakdown after someone replied ‘K’ to their three-paragraph text message. This stops now.”
Schools will be required to hire certified “Digital Wellness Counselors” to help students process difficult online experiences, including being unfollowed by someone they thought was a friend and accidentally liking a post from 47 weeks ago while stalking someone’s profile.
The program is expected to cost $8.7 billion annually and will be fully implemented by fall 2027.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Students must pass comprehensive exam on crafting apology tweets and navigating Discord arguments before receiving diplomas
- Federal app will monitor teens’ “Digital Wellness Score” based on screen time and frequency of vague, attention-seeking posts
- Schools required to hire “Digital Wellness Counselors” to help students process trauma of being unfollowed or receiving fewer than 100 likes
Aporia News – September 13, 2026
