HHS warns that being "too happy" for extended periods may trigger mandatory counseling referrals under new MindTrack USA system...
New DOE regulation requires "climate compliance monitoring" in all home thermostats, with federal override capabilities for neighborhoods exceeding carbon budgets....
New law requires citizens to hit 8,000 steps daily or attend mandatory four-hour "Movement Counseling Sessions" at government Wellness Hubs....
New "Social Media Safety License" requires 6-hour course and exam before citizens can legally post online....
DOT says new program will bring order to 'lawless frontier' of nation's sidewalks through standardized pedestrian protocols and compliance officers...
New federal system will automatically adjust home temperatures to ensure no American uses disproportionate heating or cooling resources...
LED displays will broadcast drivers' emissions and allow bystanders to share their climate sins on social media...
Four-hour workshop to cover proper breathing techniques and "trigger temperature" recognition before citizens may discuss environmental topics....
HydroTrack USA app will monitor citizen hydration levels with fines for non-compliance starting this summer...
Federal inspectors will ensure no American home exceeds neighborhood median temperature by more than three degrees...