WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday that all Americans will be required to attend a mandatory four-hour workshop on “Emotional Weather Patterns” before being permitted to discuss climate change in any public forum, including social media.
The new policy, which takes effect January 1, 2027, aims to ensure that citizens are “psychologically prepared” to engage with environmental topics without causing undue stress to themselves or others. Participants will receive a federal Climate Discussion License upon completion, valid for two years.
“We’ve seen too many Thanksgiving dinners ruined by unprepared individuals attempting to discuss carbon emissions,” said HHS Secretary Dr. Patricia Wendell at a press conference. “This certification program will teach Americans the proper breathing techniques, conflict de-escalation strategies, and approved vocabulary necessary for productive climate conversations.”
The workshops, which will be offered at post offices and DMV locations nationwide, include modules titled “Recognizing Your Trigger Temperatures,” “When to Use ‘Climate Change’ vs. ‘Weather Event,'” and “Validating Your Uncle’s Feelings While Citing Peer-Reviewed Research.”
Social media platforms have agreed to implement verification systems that will flag users attempting to post about climate-related topics without valid credentials. Repeat offenders may be required to retake the course or complete an additional two-hour module on “Digital Tone Management.”
The program has already drawn criticism from free speech advocates, though HHS insists the workshops are “voluntary in the sense that you’re voluntarily choosing to participate in society.”
Early pilot programs in Portland and Austin reportedly achieved a 67% reduction in climate-related arguments, though critics note this may be because participants were simply too exhausted to continue debating after the four-hour session.
Registration for workshops opens in September, with a $45 processing fee that officials describe as “significantly less expensive than family therapy.”
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Americans must complete mandatory four-hour “Emotional Weather Patterns” workshop to discuss climate change publicly or on social media
- Participants receive federal Climate Discussion License valid for two years; workshops offered at post offices and DMV locations nationwide
- Social media platforms to flag unlicensed users attempting climate posts; repeat offenders must retake course or complete additional “Digital Tone Management” training
Aporia News – May 11, 2026
