The Department of Education announced Friday a sweeping new initiative requiring all public school students to maintain a minimum 2.5 GPA in their climate studies coursework or face mandatory summer remediation at federally operated “Green Future Camps.”

Under the Climate Literacy Accountability Act, which takes effect in September 2027, students in grades 3-12 must demonstrate “climate competency” across core subjects including Carbon Math, Sustainable Literature, and Climate Justice History. Those failing to meet standards will be enrolled in six-week intensive programs at one of forty camps currently under construction in national parks.

Education Secretary Jennifer Whitmore defended the policy at a press conference, noting that climate literacy is “as fundamental as reading and arithmetic” and that struggling students simply need “immersive outdoor experiences to internalize their relationship with Earth.”

The camps will feature dawn-to-dusk programming including composting workshops, renewable energy demonstrations, and what officials describe as “reflective wilderness sessions” where students meditate on their personal carbon footprints. Cell phones and processed foods will be prohibited to “minimize distraction from the natural learning environment.”

Parents have raised concerns about the mandatory nature of the program, particularly regarding the camps’ remote locations. However, DOE guidance emphasizes that transportation will be provided via electric buses and that students will gain “invaluable hands-on experience in low-impact living.”

Schools will begin administering baseline climate assessments next fall to identify at-risk students early. The tests, developed in partnership with several environmental NGOs, will evaluate both factual knowledge and what administrators call “emotional connection to climate urgency.”

Whitmore concluded by stating that the program represents a “common-sense approach to ensuring the next generation takes the climate crisis seriously” and that parents should view summer camp assignments as “opportunities, not punishments.”

— SATIRE —