New database will track refrigerators, air fryers, and "emerging thermal food preparation devices" to close "critical gap" in public health oversight....
New DOT program requires 12-hour training course and exam before citizens can legally use crosswalks...
New federal AI system will flag lesson plans mentioning anything that happened during 401-year "danger zone"...
New federal program will teach Americans to "acknowledge their vehicular privilege" and apologize to public transportation....
Department of Education officials will store surrendered devices in climate-controlled facilities while distributing field guides to trees and clouds...
New federal mandate says road rage stems from 'unresolved trauma' rather than bad drivers...
High earners will be automatically capped at 15 mph below posted limits while low-income drivers get unrestricted access under new federal transportation equity initiative...
New "H2O Responsibility Act" requires citizens to obtain Hydration License before buying drinks over 8 ounces...
New "National Wellness Transparency System" requires Americans to log emotional states twice daily or face fines...
New federal policy mandates three posts per week; conscientious objectors must complete 6-hour seminar and pay $400 fee....