Citizens falling below 650 points will be required to attend counseling sessions with government nutritionists starting next year....
New "sedentary lifestyle tax" to be enforced through mandatory fitness trackers starting 2027...
New program demands monthly reports of every ChatGPT query, complete with signed affidavits confirming "democracy-affirming purposes"...
New federal program will teach students government-approved methods for consuming social media and streaming content...
New $8.7 billion program will provide yoga mats, herbal tea, and Wellness Coaches to combat "charging consciousness" crisis...
New "Digital Identity Verification for American Safety" initiative requires citizens to register all online accounts with federal authorities by year's end....
New Climate Equity Compliance Bureau will set home temperatures based on income and "thermal privilege scores"...
New "FitGov" app will track citizen movement data and share with government agencies to ensure compliance with Affordable Movement Act...
New app will track citizens' feelings twice daily, with fines for those who fail to disclose their mental state to federal database...
New federal devices will lower heat in winter for Americans who drive too much or eat too many hamburgers...