WASHINGTON — The Department of Energy announced Thursday that all home thermostats manufactured after January 1, 2027 must include mandatory “equity temperature settings” that will adjust indoor climate based on the homeowner’s income level.

Under the new regulations, households earning above $150,000 annually will have their maximum heating temperature capped at 64°F in winter months, while minimum cooling settings cannot drop below 78°F in summer. Middle-income families will be permitted temperatures between 66-76°F, with lower-income households receiving “full thermal autonomy.”

“Climate justice begins at home,” said Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm at a press conference. “For too long, wealthy Americans have enjoyed the privilege of being comfortable year-round while contributing disproportionately to carbon emissions. These common-sense standards ensure everyone does their part.”

The new smart thermostats will connect directly to IRS databases to verify income levels in real-time. Attempts to manually override the settings will trigger a warning message reading “Your Comfort, Our Planet” before temporarily disabling the HVAC system for 24 hours.

Early adopters of the technology report mixed results. Margaret Chen of Bethesda, Maryland said her family has taken to wearing winter coats indoors during December. “We’re doing our part for the planet,” she said, teeth chattering. “Though I did wonder why our tax bracket means we should freeze while my brother-in-law, who makes $40,000 less, gets to wear shorts in January.”

The regulation includes exemptions for medical conditions, though applicants must submit documentation from two separate physicians and wait 6-8 weeks for approval. Emergency override codes will be available for $50 per use, with proceeds funding renewable energy initiatives.

Home Depot has already begun stocking compliant models alongside new signage explaining the “progressive temperature paradigm.” Sales of space heaters and window fans have reportedly increased 340% since the announcement.

— SATIRE —