New federal policy mandates three posts per week; conscientious objectors must complete 6-hour seminar and pay $400 fee....
Schools must maintain minimum "Emotional Safety Index" score or face federal intervention from wellness coordinators...
New federal regulation requires users to achieve "parasympathetic readiness" and pass emotional regulation quiz before posting online....
New lavender-painted lanes will accommodate drivers who need to "process their feelings" at reduced speeds during commutes....
New mandatory smart fridge registry will track food waste and penalize households exceeding carbon allowances...
New registry will track citizens who laugh too loudly or display excessive happiness during difficult news cycles...
New wellness database will penalize citizens who fail to meet daily health benchmarks, though HHS insists penalties are "motivational, not punitive"...
New federal policy requires children with low climate studies grades to attend six-week summer programs in national parks...
New $2.3 billion program requires students to consume vegetables, protein, grains, fruit, and milk in specific timed sequence or face corrective intervention....
New law requires Americans to post twice weekly on approved platforms to ensure "civic engagement and digital wellness"...