Department of Education says diploma requirements must now include documented proof of sufficient planetary anxiety...
New federal program addresses "psychological harm" of aggressive lane changes and insufficient turn signal empathy....
New federal program will block all web traffic until citizens complete guided mindfulness session praising government agencies...
HHS says "Digital Detox Certification" will restore civic discourse, require annual psychiatric evaluation for internet access...
New federal program will document instances of superior homemade lunches creating "unequal dining environments" in school cafeterias....
New "wellness devices" will report violations of federal nutrition guidelines to government coordinators beginning in 2027....
New database will monitor citizens' mental health, eating habits, and screen time to "optimize national outcomes"...
New program requires daily breakfast photos and emotional status reports by 9 AM or face fines...
New database will track household heating and cooling to enforce 64-degree winter maximum under climate initiative...
New federal program will monitor driving habits, diet, and social media to determine who deserves a comfortable home....