Federal employees will undergo mandatory workshops examining their "personal relationship with independence" before next July 4th....
Failure to identify three branches of government will result in longer DMV lines and mandatory civics courses...
New Bureau of Online Safety and Supervision will oversee biennial testing and $127 licensing fees for all users over age 12...
New law penalizes citizens up to $75 monthly for failing to log beverages in HHS portal by 2027...
Citizens falling below 650 points will be required to attend counseling sessions with government nutritionists starting next year....
New "sedentary lifestyle tax" to be enforced through mandatory fitness trackers starting 2027...
New program demands monthly reports of every ChatGPT query, complete with signed affidavits confirming "democracy-affirming purposes"...
New federal program will teach students government-approved methods for consuming social media and streaming content...
New $8.7 billion program will provide yoga mats, herbal tea, and Wellness Coaches to combat "charging consciousness" crisis...
New "Digital Identity Verification for American Safety" initiative requires citizens to register all online accounts with federal authorities by year's end....