The Department of Energy announced Tuesday that all Americans will be required to register their home thermostats with a new federal database by January 2027, with fines of up to $500 per day for non-compliance.

The National Climate Comfort Registry, created under the recently passed Residential Energy Accountability Act, will collect real-time data on heating and cooling preferences in every American household. Officials say the program is necessary to “optimize national energy distribution” and “ensure equitable temperature justice.”

Starting next year, homeowners and renters must install government-approved “smart monitoring devices” on all thermostats, air conditioning units, space heaters, and ceiling fans. The devices will transmit hourly temperature readings, adjustment frequency, and seasonal usage patterns directly to DOE servers.

“For too long, Americans have been setting their thermostats with zero regard for the collective energy grid,” said Deputy Energy Secretary Marissa Feldman at a press conference. “Someone in Minnesota keeping their house at 74 degrees in January creates a ripple effect that impacts solar panel efficiency in Arizona. We can no longer afford this kind of thermal individualism.”

The registration process requires citizens to submit their preferred temperature range, justify any settings above 68 degrees in winter or below 78 degrees in summer, and provide documentation of medical conditions that might necessitate “thermal deviation permits.”

Households that maintain temperatures within federal guidelines for 11 consecutive months will receive a $50 tax credit. Those who consistently exceed recommended ranges may face mandatory energy audits and enrollment in the department’s “Temperature Responsibility Education Program.”

Privacy advocates have raised concerns about government surveillance of home temperature preferences, but the DOE insists the data will only be used for “energy optimization and climate emergency response coordination.”

The agency has hired 3,000 new thermal compliance officers to process registrations and conduct random verification inspections.

— SATIRE —