WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that beginning January 1, 2027, all Americans will be required to log their daily emotional states into a new federal database called the National Wellness Transparency System (NWTS).
The mandatory program, developed in partnership with several major tech companies, will require citizens to submit twice-daily “mood reports” via a government-issued smartphone app. Users will select from a range of pre-approved emotional categories including “optimistic,” “grateful,” “concerned but hopeful,” and “temporarily frustrated but committed to solutions.”
“Mental health is public health,” explained HHS Secretary Dr. Jennifer Whitmore at a press conference. “Just as we track disease outbreaks, we must track emotional well-being at scale. This data will help us identify communities in need of intervention before negativity becomes endemic.”
The app will use AI to flag “concerning patterns” such as reporting negative emotions for three consecutive days. Citizens who exceed the threshold will receive automated text messages with mindfulness exercises and, if the pattern continues, a visit from a certified Federal Wellness Ambassador.
Privacy advocates have raised concerns about government surveillance of citizens’ inner lives, but officials insist the data will be “anonymized and secure.” The system will, however, share aggregated emotional data with employers, insurance companies, and local law enforcement “to facilitate holistic community wellness.”
Failure to submit required mood reports will result in a $150 fine for the first offense, increasing to $500 for subsequent violations. Extended non-compliance may result in mandatory attendance at a weekend “Emotional Accountability Workshop.”
Beta testing begins in Portland, Oregon next month, with several corporations already announcing plans to tie employee wellness bonuses to their NWTS compliance rates.
When asked whether forcing citizens to report their feelings to the government might actually make them less happy, Secretary Whitmore replied that the question itself reflected “exactly the kind of maladaptive thinking patterns we’re hoping to address.”
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- HHS launches mandatory emotion-tracking database requiring all Americans to report their feelings to the federal government
- AI will flag citizens who report negative emotions for three consecutive days, triggering visits from Federal Wellness Ambassadors
- Data will be shared with employers, insurance companies, and law enforcement despite privacy concerns
Aporia News – May 31, 2026
