WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services announced Thursday a new nationwide initiative requiring all Americans to log their daily emotional states into a federal database, citing concerns over “unmonitored mental health fluctuations” that could pose risks to public wellness infrastructure.
The National Emotional Transparency Act, which passed through Congress with bipartisan support last month, mandates that citizens download the government’s MoodTrack™ application and submit their feelings at least twice daily. The app features a comprehensive selection of 847 officially recognized emotional states, ranging from “contentedly compliant” to “inappropriately jubilant.”
HHS Secretary Dr. Patricia Thornbury explained that the program addresses a critical gap in public health monitoring. “For too long, Americans have experienced emotions without any federal oversight or guidance,” Thornbury said at a press conference. “This creates dangerous inconsistencies in our national emotional baseline.”
Users who report feelings classified as “statistically abnormal” will receive automated wellness check-ins from federal health counselors. Persistent emotional outliers may be required to attend mandatory Emotional Recalibration Workshops, which the department describes as “voluntary but strongly recommended for social cohesion.”
The app also includes a feature allowing users to report neighbors or family members who appear to be experiencing unlogged emotions. “Community vigilance is essential to comprehensive mental health,” the official guidelines state. “If you notice someone laughing without having logged ‘amusement’ in the past hour, please submit a Concern Report.”
Privacy advocates raised questions about government access to such intimate data, but HHS officials assured the public that emotional records would only be shared with fourteen federal agencies, approved healthcare providers, law enforcement when deemed necessary, and select corporate wellness partners.
The program launches nationwide on October 1st. Citizens who fail to log their emotions for three consecutive days will receive an initial warning, followed by a $150 fine for continued non-compliance. Repeat offenders may face mandatory emotional audits.
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- New federal app requires Americans to log emotions from list of 847 officially recognized states
- Citizens reporting “statistically abnormal” feelings will receive mandatory wellness check-ins
- Non-compliance results in fines starting at $150; neighbors encouraged to report unlogged emotions
Aporia News – September 04, 2026
