The Department of Energy announced Friday that all American households will be required to install federally certified “smart thermostats” by January 2027, with devices automatically adjusting temperatures based on each resident’s individual carbon footprint score.
Under the new Climate Equity in Home Temperature Act, the thermostats will connect to a central database tracking citizens’ driving habits, meat consumption, air travel, and social media posts about climate change. Those with lower carbon scores will be permitted warmer homes in winter and cooler homes in summer, while “high-impact individuals” may find their temperatures restricted to ranges the agency calls “character-building.”
Energy Secretary Patricia Wolcott defended the program during a press conference held in her personal 8,000-square-foot residence. “We can no longer allow Americans to heat and cool their homes as if resources were infinite,” Wolcott explained while adjusting the thermostat behind her to a comfortable 68 degrees. “This is about fairness.”
The smart thermostats, manufactured exclusively by a company whose largest shareholder is the brother-in-law of a senior DOE official, will cost homeowners between $1,200 and $2,400 to install. Monthly monitoring fees of $37 will fund what the department describes as “essential climate surveillance operations.”
Citizens who attempt to tamper with their thermostats will face fines up to $10,000 and potential enrollment in mandatory “Energy Awareness Seminars” conducted via Zoom at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. The department noted that repeated violations could result in temporary suspension of heating and cooling privileges altogether.
Early beta testing in several progressive cities showed promising results, with 78% of participants reported as “compliant” after the first winter, though the department declined to specify what happened to the other 22%.
Installation vans will begin visiting neighborhoods in September, the DOE announced, reminding citizens that resistance to the program “may be noted in your permanent carbon profile.”
— SATIRE —
Key Points
- Smart thermostats will track individual carbon footprints and restrict heating/cooling accordingly
- Citizens must pay up to $2,400 for installation plus $37 monthly monitoring fees
- Tampering with your thermostat could result in $10,000 fines and mandatory weekend climate seminars
Aporia News – August 01, 2026
