High earners will be automatically capped at 15 mph below posted limits while low-income drivers get unrestricted access under new federal transportation equity initiative...
New "H2O Responsibility Act" requires citizens to obtain Hydration License before buying drinks over 8 ounces...
New "National Wellness Transparency System" requires Americans to log emotional states twice daily or face fines...
New federal policy mandates three posts per week; conscientious objectors must complete 6-hour seminar and pay $400 fee....
Schools must maintain minimum "Emotional Safety Index" score or face federal intervention from wellness coordinators...
New federal regulation requires users to achieve "parasympathetic readiness" and pass emotional regulation quiz before posting online....
New lavender-painted lanes will accommodate drivers who need to "process their feelings" at reduced speeds during commutes....
New mandatory smart fridge registry will track food waste and penalize households exceeding carbon allowances...
New registry will track citizens who laugh too loudly or display excessive happiness during difficult news cycles...
New wellness database will penalize citizens who fail to meet daily health benchmarks, though HHS insists penalties are "motivational, not punitive"...