New lavender-painted lanes will accommodate drivers who need to "process their feelings" at reduced speeds during commutes....
New mandatory smart fridge registry will track food waste and penalize households exceeding carbon allowances...
New registry will track citizens who laugh too loudly or display excessive happiness during difficult news cycles...
New wellness database will penalize citizens who fail to meet daily health benchmarks, though HHS insists penalties are "motivational, not punitive"...
New federal policy requires children with low climate studies grades to attend six-week summer programs in national parks...
New $2.3 billion program requires students to consume vegetables, protein, grains, fruit, and milk in specific timed sequence or face corrective intervention....
New law requires Americans to post twice weekly on approved platforms to ensure "civic engagement and digital wellness"...
New security protocol aims to ensure passengers can engage in sufficiently inspirational small talk during delays...
New federal program will assign children "Nutrition Equity Scores" based on meal selections, send corrective texts to parents....
HHS warns that being "too happy" for extended periods may trigger mandatory counseling referrals under new MindTrack USA system...