New "Thought Equity Monitors" will cut off students who exceed their algorithmically determined daily speaking allowance...
New regulation requires smart thermostats to report to federal servers and accept remote temperature adjustments based on household earnings....
Drivers must press "Check Your Privilege" button each morning or face vehicle lockout and fine...
New HHS database will track citizen happiness levels and trigger automated interventions for those rating below a 5 for three consecutive weeks...
New "Mindful Mobility Initiative" requires biometric proof of inner peace before vehicle ignition, with emergency responders getting abbreviated 5-minute "rapid centering protocol."...
Forty-hour program will teach children why their opinions might be harmful; failures face dial-up speed restrictions...
New $4.3 billion program will require drivers to choose from seven federally approved "I'm sorry" messages instead of traditional honking....
New "Mindful Mobility Initiative" uses facial recognition to ensure drivers achieve "verified calm state compliance" before ignition...
New database will track appliance usage, internal temperatures, and food inventory to "close dangerous oversight gap"...
New HHS program requires Americans to prove proper scrolling posture before accessing government services...