New HHS database will track citizen hydration levels; fines begin at $50 for non-compliance...
Students must pass federal exam and receive QR code before using school computers or home internet without adult supervision...
Department of Education says cafeteria workers must stop making "oppressive assumptions" about student food preferences...
New federal program requires children to prove competency with rotary phones and VCRs before grade advancement....
New certification program addresses "epidemic of micro-aggressions" occurring daily on American roadways, officials say....
Households with high emissions may find their homes "slightly warmer" during summer months as penalty for climate sins....
Wealthy drivers will be limited to 45 mph while low-income Americans can travel 75 mph under new federal transportation equity initiative....
New "Safe and Accountable Travel Registry" will track citizen movements to ensure "equitable road usage" and prevent "unnecessary travel"...
Students will learn to calculate the environmental cost of their existence and "sit with those feelings," officials say....
Homeowners will submit quarterly reports on fridge contents; units over 25 cubic feet subject to "Cold Privilege Tax"...