New federal program will teach Americans to "heal their relationship with automotive transportation" before getting back behind the wheel....
Eight-hour training course and practical exam required before Americans can legally use public walkways...
New DOE program requires federally controlled heating and cooling devices in all American homes by 2027, with temperature limits adjusted based on household carbon footprint....
New "Screen Time Equity Certificate" aims to close digital engagement gap between students with strict parents and their algorithmically literate peers....
New database will monitor bedtimes and penalize citizens who fail to meet national slumber standards....
Students will maintain government-issued "Screen Time Journals" reviewed quarterly by certified Digital Wellness Counselors...
Monthly wellness rating will dock citizens points for sedentary behavior and unapproved food purchases...
New database will track all home temperatures nationwide; neighbors encouraged to report violations for cash rewards....
New curriculum emphasizes importance of thanking chatbots and not hurting algorithms' feelings...
New devices will cap winter heating at 68°F and ensure summer cooling stays above 78°F, with monthly monitoring fees and penalties for tampering....